About aging, filmmaking and owls.

I've recently turned 22. And funnily enough, I feel old.
At least older, I no longer know that I'm the youngest person around, I no longer feel like what I've done is impressive for my age. A few years ago, I started putting thing on this scale; on one hand there's romance, and on the other, cynicism.

As you grow old, you move further away from that initial excitment you had, exctiment of very simple physical things as they occur for the first time, kissing, fighting, running away, cheating, breaking up. After all these happen for the second and third time, you no longer feel this excitment, you move far away from romance, towards cynicism. Cynicism is dangerous.
I was very proud of my ability to tell myself that everything passes, whenever I was sad, or depressed or bored, I always knew change is gonna come. However I started losing control over this ability, instaed of just using when I'm down, I started reminding myself that also when things were good, when I felt that I'm doing something good, like creating, or loving someone, I started telling myself that I've felt this way before, and that it's now gone, and in most cases I look back and ridicule these moments of 'temporary blindness'. But it's a proccess I'm trying to fight, this extreme cynicism leads to destruction; there's nothing constructive in being embarrased of yourself, of your past, in constantly questioning what you think or feel.These loops exist of course, but it's crucial to actually live them, to be turned upside down every now and then, instead of zooming out and seeing the upcoming plane.

As I said, I know this zooming out technic very well. Back in high school I would split myself into a few diffrenet 'Uris'; the one that's actually present in the situation, another one looking at him and judging him constantly, and another one beating them both up for being in this unbearable situation. I was actually proud of that, again it made me feel like I have much more control over myself,I didn't get angry at people how've done me wrong, because I managed to be 'bigger' than that. I wasn't insulted as easily, I wasn't doing many things I might later regret, since I was constantly overthinking and criticizing. Back than it wasn't cynicism, it was fear, but again, I created a buffer between me and reality. I remember a family vacation, at first I refused to hold the camera, embarrassed to look like a tourist, but at one point I just started taking pictures all the time, once you're behind a camera you physically make a barrear between you and others, I remember we were having dinner with a few people, and I was constantly taking pictures, my sister then took me aside and yelled at me for being annoying and impolite. The thought that I could actually detach myself from my surroundings like that, creating my own scene, breaking it into fragments, fragments I later have with me, suspending the moment so I can study it, was amazing to me. This was how I started making films, whenever I felt like something was alive, like a real moment is happening, I started transcribing it, as it was happening, me and whoever's around me as the characters. I used filmmaking to study my own life, to study life, every film is a summary of a period in my life, and by making that film I overcame the hardships of that period, instead of being submitted to them I directed them, rewrote them, edited them, owned them.

Somewhere along the way I lost motivation. It feels like there are more parts separating between the initial impression, the moment in life I see as crucial to understanding myself, as I am now, too many voices joined this equation. I can no longer just spit out the first thing that comes to my mind and make it happen, its not good enough. When you want you're life to be the subject of your work you have to live them, however you have to make time to work. Creating this balance is the biggest challenge, and for way too long it has lead me (and many of my friends) to doing neither; After many attempts to 'live', to be adventurous, spontaneous, thinking it would inspire me, and in between many long months of being completely unemployed, time I could have used to channel all that inspiration to the right place, I think time is not what I'm missing.

I'm having difficulty finishing this essay, I want to say what it is I need, but its too early to tell, I keep waiting for something to happen, something definite, something that would make an impression, maybe stop the loop, break it. I got a job, cooking in a new restaurant that's opening in Berlin, I didn't believe I could get this job, it reminded me that when I'm passionate about something I make it happen, I guess I'll have to wait and see what happens next.